Finding my Chi 'Qi'

My eyes well up with tears. How many days turned to months turned to years will I kneel and...

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 21:14:48 -0500

My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years
will I kneel and weep
pressing my hands to my empty womb
rocking on my heels?

Pleading with cruel fate
“send me a living child?”
My womb weeps bright blood tears
as I feel my youth slip away

Moon after moon
cycle after cycle
month after month
year after long year

My grief feels indescribable
unendurable
mourning a child conceived and lost
conceived and lost again
Now, not yet conceived
only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.

These are the things that define my womanhood
Six excruciating years of eternal emptiness
years defined by the Moon

By blood
By hope and by tears

Overwhelming feelings of loss and failure.

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 20:58:42 -0500

Overwhelming feelings of loss and failure.

Lost

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 17:18:38 -0400

Really feeling like I cannot do anything right. I left my teaching job last school year for several reasons. Bottom line, I just wasn’t happy. It seemed no matter what I did to try and make it better I only ended up two steps back from where I started. It took about about three or four years to decide to finally leave. Now, I feel like an utter failure. Some say, “You’re so brave!” I suppose they are referring to the fact that I’m searching for happiness. While I feel incredibly lucky to have this opportunity, I can’t help but think, “You just couldn’t hack it.” I really don’t know how people stay in public education for 30 plus years.

Anyway, now I feel … lost. I have no profession, no career, and no child… still…. no child. Not even a glimpse or glimmer. Is there hope? I keep telling myself there’s always hope. It’s hard though when your partner has given up and clearly states he has no hope. What then? Am I in this alone? Why should I keep trying? Bleh… this rambling is useless.

Photo

Wed, 02 May 2012 21:58:52 -0400

volume one: infertility: Thank you and taking a break

Wed, 02 May 2012 21:52:28 -0400

volume one: infertility: Thank you and taking a break:

Thank you for sharing all that you have. You are not alone.

thefamilychronicles:

Thank you for all your support throughout our IVF round and the big ol’ negative result. We are taking a break, only because of lack of funds to do another round. We are contemplating our options. Coughing up $12,000 for 3 little eggs is a tough reality to accept. To be honest, the last 2 months…

Photo

Wed, 02 May 2012 21:46:31 -0400

staff: Olá! Today we’re launching Tumblr’s official Brazilian...

Wed, 02 May 2012 21:45:11 -0400

staff:

Olá! Today we’re launching Tumblr’s official Brazilian Staff Blog while we finish polishing our upcoming Brazilian Portuguese localization. We haven’t forgotten our users in Portugal, either — Tumblr’s official Portuguese Staff Blog also just launched, and we’ve got a European Portuguese version of our interface on the way too. Em breve teremos mais novidades! / Fiquem atentos às próximas novidades!

(Photo: Josh)

"It’s okay. Just breathe. Life is a series of waves and circles. The only constant is..."

Wed, 02 May 2012 21:41:29 -0400

“It’s okay. Just breathe. Life is a series of waves and circles. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change. The only constant is change.”

Waiting for my journey...

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:49:43 -0500

I just got a call from my best friend telling me she’s pregnant. I really, honestly couldn’t be happier! However this news also triggers the roller coaster of emotions and questions that fill my brain. They were only trying for less than a year. How lucky. I really don’t like the idea of a pity party but I can’t help but feel frustrated and confused. I love her and her husband dearly and hope their journey is a happy and successful one!

Photo

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 10:06:05 -0500

Photo

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 16:11:05 -0500

Photo

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 08:06:06 -0500

There's no way that this is happening again..

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 16:45:02 -0500

sdubb85:

Please tell me its all in my head..

Tell me that there wasnt anything in there; anyone.

Tell me its all going to be okay..

I can’t go through this again..

Tell me that the blood is just an early period, not a miscarrage.

Tell me, for the love of God, that this is all in my head.

Just fucking tell me.

Please..

"...it was a girl."

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 16:43:25 -0500

I know one of them was a girl. This news revealed to me weeks after we lost her and in the breath right after letting us know there was “contamination” in the sample they took from my body. I often wonder if there’s more to that story. How vigilant was the team doing the work? How deliberate was the doctor who’s advice I’d been following for over a year? I try not to look back too often (I’d drive myself crazy) but every now and again I get to thinking and these sort of questions surface. I suppose I’ll store them with all the other unanswered questions: Why isn’t this working? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with him? Am I being punished? Some say there’s not much mystery left in life once you reach adulthood. I disagree.

Photo

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 16:31:35 -0500

Meh...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:59:32 -0500

I feel so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of hoping. Tired of being disappointed.

I feel so scared. Scared that if I don’t try it won’t happen. Scared that if it happens it won’t last. Scared of putting him through all of it. Scared of losing him.

Cave Time

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:48:40 -0500

pennyforyourthoughs:

Going inside

Walking deep into the cave

Traveling to a place where no one can

See me

Judge me

Ask me questions

Make me think

Feeling free here

Escape

Photo

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:42:40 -0500

I Would Die for That

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:41:50 -0500

I Would Die for That:

pennyforyourthoughs:

Having a really rough day. Even though this song makes my face leak like a faucet, somehow it also brings me hope.

Photo

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:40:02 -0500